Question: My husband wants a divorce, but I don't. It bothered me to a point where my thoughts pretty much obsessed with knowing the reason why this great guy would want to be with me. Romance Writer and Recovering Former Mermaid, Someone on question and answer website Quora recently asked, "Why…, Recently I was teaching a teenaged singing student who came…, I'm creeping out of the depths of recent first time…. I feel lIke it is wOrth it sometimes and others I feel like all I would do is upset her or anger her family. An ex is in the midst of apologizing to me (via text). Okay so I have childhood ex that I havent seen for about 5 years now because me and my family decided to move somewhat far away at the time… Only temporary though .. 4 years was the plan, but now it’s been extended to 6 years. Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email. I was so happy and I started to feel like my old self again when my anxiety just kept nudging me that this guy just isn’t right. Being married really puts the past in perspective and make me feel like a lot of what we said and do were childish and immature…. I tried to contact him one more time a month later when I was visiting my home country, but sadly he said he does not want to talk to me any more. She met somebody else very soon but was having problems with him, she then came near my place of work so we started talking again and she was reminiscing over old times this went on for a few months then she went back to her other man, when I put a post on Facebook a few months later she commented on it, I then put a video post on Facebook about some cooking and she got her friend to comment and basically asked to taste my food?? I want to send him a true apology, not expecting anything back and bring a real closure to the relationship. It’s been a very long time, chances are she’s healed from those days and won’t mind you explaining and apologizing. If you treated someone poorly and you now see what you did was wrong, you should apologize. Reaching out to her was a big mistake and just set me back years in my recovery. Dreaming about your ex years later is not uncommon. I would like to be friends again but I know that there is a possibility that he has moved on completely and it won’t be an option… which absolutely kills me… But it’s my fault. I wouldn’t apologize. Would it just make him angry? Provided you weren’t out and out abusive back in the day, use some of what you’ve written here and contact her. (I know for myself they are but are they for him?) An apology has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person you hurt. Thank you. I still care for him, a lot. If you're about to wed, divorce, give birth, your parents are splitting, someone … you are 18 or older, you read and agreed to the. Again, thank you for writing exactly what I believe. Although I am married, I had been thinking of her a great deal over the past several years.It was affecting my life in a negative manner and I needed closure to "get on with it," so I … This would have to be the number one sentiment I found. Our last conversation was over 16 yeas ago and since then we both have got married and had kids and grown up. You now have the chance to get the woman you love back and experience a new and profound love with her. but your arguments make so much sense that my months of fretting are over! For the most part it felt like I was viewing a new television game show called “Who Wants to be a Masochist?” So what if the apology rids you of some guilt? If you decide to stick with no contact, remember to work on improving yourself and your emotional stability. My heart skipped a beat as I glanced in the mirror for one final outfit check. Have you ever thought that maybe he might have also changed in a way that is no longer compatible with who you are? Just a few days ago, something happened between this boy and I. way i see it you had your chance and he moved on. I’m so confused this has been on my mind for so long . Obviously she meant a lot to you and you made a mistake leaving her. :/Do you think that’s a bad idea? When you say you fear your ex will retaliate in anger, if you mean literally try to hurt or damage you, then please do not contact him. Girlfriend of almost 6 years broke up with me, but said she would reach out to me in 6 months. Hope you enjoyed today’s post. Or maybe life hasn’t given them an opportunity to heal in the same way you have and they can’t find it in their heart to forgive you. After a year and a half in this 4th relationship, my girlfriend at that time had cheated on me and I had also ended that relationship upon discovering this. Best to see what emotional state you’re both in and if enough has changed and will be different this next time around for this to perhaps go differently. Maybe in his case it took a bad experience to appreciate that he had a good thing with you? At first things were going well although we were miles apart. Reply to this message. Anything you send him will be a … I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago (don’t want to go into great detail, but basically it’s because I was confused/unsure as it was my first serious relationship so had no clue), but now I really regret it. I miss him a lot and our family, grown sons and grandchildren. It was actually hard for him to quit. He didn’t know about my own emotional instability and would really like to explain myself with him and maybe get back together because I miss him a lot. I really don’t know what to do. As a matter of fact, most people dream about their ex-partner every now and then—whether it’s been 5 months or 5 years after the breakup. I am at a loss here. You'll only qualify for benefits based on an ex-spouse's record if your marriage lasted 10 years and you've been divorced for at least two consecutive years… He previously promised me and said that he was not smoking any more which was a lie. I have met someone but still feel so sorry for my ex husband. I’m guessing he’s just been through another breakup and she DID lash out. Don't text if it's not going to be helpful for you both. I’ll wait for the right time to apologize if I have to but when will I know if its the right time? I am also afraid that what if he wants me back but realizes I am not the same person he fell in love with? Or should I send him an email? But I’d still appreciate knowing. The issue is, I’m fucking terrified. I’m talking dating a serial cheater who was emotionally abusive, but you know what, in the end I still apologized for what I did and the ways I acted out. I just really want to apologize, but I guess I can’t right now. Due to moving out of the country with my parents, at the age of 19, our relationship became long distance. I can’t believe how stupid I was. The last 2 weeks I am dreaming about him, cannot stop thinking about him and I am sick to my stomach over reaching out. They used over forms of words and that still doesn’t work. I feel as though I may come across sounding like a broken record. I started asking about him to people who knew him they said a lot of things but what really got me scared was that he’s sort of a playboy. Actually, whenever I wake up from a dream she appeared in, I feel that we have a special connection that I have felt no one else.. Fast forward to 6 mos ago. First, however, he thanked me for not lashing out at him right after our break up and said that showed character. But since him I’ve gotten in other relationships and one in particular was actually a lot emotionally worse with a lot of deceit and immaturity. Yes I want closure. Don’t get comfortable and slide back into old habits. And it was both times because he was emotionally unstable and so was I so we were not a healthy match. I was waiting eagerly for this reply. We both treated each other bad. The world needs more of it. I met a woman 2yrs ago and we got on so well it was a bit scary, she was scared that we got so clos so soon, we spoke all the time, she would always call over for hugs etc and said she’s not letting go of me and that she wished she met me years ago, the only bad thing was that she is a bit childish. Katerina Simms is a Romance Writer & Recovering Former Mermaid, born on a sunny Mediterranean island. I have been living with so much guilt for almost 5 and a half years now because it all ended so spontaneously. And we didn’t exactly end on good terms. I just can’t believe that I did such inhuman things to the person I loved. Priya does not know why I broke up with her or that I’m already in a relationship. Irrespective of whether I get a reply or not, delivering the apology should be my prime focus. Of course both of you have changed. For all these years I have wanted to tell him that I never meant for it to end that way and that I never left him for another guy. So no point establishing contact and giving even an iota of a chance to ruin the present relationship. Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later. The fact is you don’t know what’s going on in another persons heart, they might want your apology, just as much as you want to give it. I did write that i wanted to write him for a long time but didn’t know if it was aporopriate and also that I didn’t expect him to reply to me. Nothing ventured nothing gained, but be realistic and prepare yourself for any response. I just want to say that I understand some of your situation. We didn’t even get a chance to share how we felt about each other. Like over this past weekend, I got a friend request from an ex-boyfriend I hadn’t seen in 15 years. By entering this site you declare So I also felt I needed this guy to know that I didn’t harbor any malice towards him in case I died. Thank you. I never ever intended to treat her bad or make her cry and to this day it makes me upset on how i made her feel. Before we got separated….mind you, we never had sex, he laid a kiss on my forehead to say goodbye to me before I moved out of state later that same day. I feel like he did genuinely cared about me and I did too but he had anger problems and other unresolved problems which is why I had left the relationship. I heard this works. So if you’re having an ex-dream once in blue moon, it’s perfectly normal. I was absolutely scared to be toyed with, I guess everyone is. I didn’t know how to show him that except with silent treatment..he thought I had broken up with him (I was young and stupid-17 yrs to be precise). After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. Would I be betraying my husband to reach out (non-romantically) to an ex? Then to make sure that he does not call me anymore, I told him a lie “I can not talk to you anymore cause one of my guy friend will not like that”. I get some answers of “yes” and some of “NO! He wouldn’t talk or want to see me anymore. More to the point, it’s ok to acknowledge your progress as a human being, and in doing so, share it with the people you burned along the way. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) If you’re going to apologize, go to the effort of making your boundaries clear. She said she was free all weekend but I had plans to go out with some mates which she didn’t like but I offered to cancel so I could see her she said that I’ve made plans I should stick to them, so I went out then that night she text me to say we’re finished!! More than ever, I wouldn’t accept an apology from others as they mean nothing to me. It may be the past but it haunts my future. My ex had these things to say to me after our relationship had ended over five years earlier. If only he had asked. http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/351422523194?lpid=82&chn=ps. I had drunk texted him or one of his family members two weeks ago. This apology needs to come 100% from you. If they react badly or call you names, or even worse, ignore your apology altogether; that’s the price you pay for hurting another person. I tried to call my ex and he asked me why did I try to reach him out? That’s why I’ve decided to dedicate an entire article to help guide you and provide you with the … I know people roll their eyes over closure apology letters but once you understand how it feels to lose people without it, you never want anyone to feel that, esp someone you once loved. I didn’t know how to show him that except with silent treatment..he thought I had broken up with him (I was young and stupid-17 yrs to be precise). Lastly, the keystone to a great apology is to stick to apologizing for what YOU did. Don’t even contact someone who has been clear with their boundaries. That way, whatever happens, you can’t be disappointed. He was also not communicating as much as he did before. Where was this article a month ago!! Hello and the post you made was something. I wouldn’t apologize because that shows empty words. tame your ego. wordum says: … I love him and I know he loved me, we just had our issues. Is it possible to write you an email with a question? If you decide to stick with no contact, remember to work on improving yourself and your emotional stability. Didn’t expect to be this shook by this, since I’ve subsequently moved on and am (happily) in a committed, long-term relationship. I am so torn…. "You’d never turn down your dream job … http://katerinasimms.com/how-to-forget-a-past-love/, https://www.facebook.com/monique.vandervleuten.7/videos/vb.100001720568878/161043580629660/?type=2&theater, http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/351422523194?lpid=82&chn=ps. Do not take this as an invitation to harp on about your suffering, just mention that your self-inflicted regret has affected you and leave it there. I’ve linked to a new article that has an easy-to-follow apology formula. I just don’t know how to handle this kind of case. I’m Sorry for What Happened. Just wanted to say that this is one of the very few articles online that actually kinda answers the question based on real understanding of the different scenarios or feelings associated. ... That Sat. Over the years I think about how I was then and how poorly I treated her. Thank you, Reaching out to apologize to an ex for your hurtful actions can be really meaningful to them, as long as it's about making them feel validated and not just about clearing your own conscience. But he still lives near our hometown. I have been searching for her every day in the evenings for some time now but it is like she lives off of the grid. Reaching out to your ex won’t make you feel any better and it probably won’t make him feel anything at all. I’m here to tell you that this is a BIG opportunity for you …and it’s something you … We were only together for a short time but had some good times. He was a really nice and loved me like crazy. P.S: Here is an article on how to write a good apology. Even a simple message like “long time no see…how are things with you?” can be very effective. I don’t want him thinking I didn’t love him and that he wasn’t enough for me. That was the last time we ever contacted each other. I kinda let … What you’ve said in the past is, “You’re pain doesn’t exist, I didn’t see why I should say sorry.”. That friend of mine asked me out a month or so later. When an ex suddenly gets in touch with you out of the blue, it can be a confusing and frustrating situation. . Have the HARDEST TIME with the love of my life!! Missing an ex, he says, doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready to start dating again after a breakup. LOL So everyone knows everyone’s business. He always wanted to explore the world and we knew that since the very beginning. I will then tell that person to change by action, not words so by saying or working up an apology won’t work for me. I have a picture of you on my wall” or “you keep appearing in my dreams but I am beginning to realize it’s not real” .. You have no idea how shameful I feel when I read these messages today .. She is the person that I see most in my dreams, but I never told her. But he’s the first guy I’d ever allowed myself to date and even kiss for the first time (I’m 21 and he’s 25). What’s worse is that his friends led him to believe that I had cheated on him and left him for another guy who was actually my bestfriend. Do you think it will be appropriate to send him a letter to his home? A man that I once knew many years ago contacted me on Facebook 2 years ago and supposedly had searched me out for 10 years. Chances are he’ll still ignore you, but it’ll make you feel better to at least know that he knows. I am not the same person I know because I have lost so many friends since then because of my damaged personality.. Is there also a concept of apologizing ‘at the right time’? I had everything to do with no help and I had an affair, which I am not proud of, I got caught and rushed and got a divorce without giving it enough thought. It really helps me lift a heavy burden off my chest. The thing is I have been the biggest jerk to her in these 5 years. I can promise you, there are a few people I’d love to get an apology from, even if it has been years. I’m glad you found my post helpful! A full-on communication stop after a breakup is rare these days. It started feeling so onesided at some point. At the end of the day you cannot control their reaction, just as much as they couldn’t control yours when you were set on hurting their feelings. And yes I am afraid he may have moved on or I would reopen his wounds. I later found out that they had argued about me because the man she was with was very very jealous or threatened by me even though I had never met him?? Whether or not he wants to take ownership over not asking you is his business, and not your place to dictate. image credit: mikebaird, Simson Petrol, ME. I feel like I have really hurt him. In all these years she told me things like “you can’t imagine how much I miss you.. Thank you for your post… I just wrote an email to my ex whom I broke up almost 10 years ago. Reaching Out After Multiple Years The hardest part of getting your ex back is making the first contact with them. No problems, I’m glad this was of use to you . Forget Ghosting—This Is the Dating Trend You Haven't Heard of Yet Hello Make it clear you’re saying sorry without expecting anything of it and try to distinguish between them wanting back in, versus them wanting some answers. I just don't want to try again if he's still married, but at the same time what if he isn't married and my contact is welcomed? For the first two years he probably still believed there was hope but after that he removed me from his contacts and lists which was really the only way to contact him cause he had relocated to another continent right after I ‘left’ him (for his undergrad that I hadn’t known about either at that time). Also having seen my own daughters experience breakups I am more aware of how females view things. Don’t not make excuses for why you did what you did. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will ever discover the answer. The main point is you’ve grown and you’re owning up to it. Otherwise, we will look back and ask ourselves why we never did. By letting that person see you are sorry and that you have also suffered at the hands of your own actions, you are telling them they were not alone in their pain. I got really mad and stopped calling him/emailing him and told him that I won’t talk to him until he stops smoking. So we haven’t spoken again for a while because spilt from him and got a new man but has been staring at me when we drive past each other also a friend picked her up in his taxi a while ago and he said when they drove past the shop I work at she was staring at the shop?? I told him “I need to talk to you” (out of nerves, I would have worded it a lot better but I’m a bit rubbish when confrontation and it was in passing… I know, that was stupid). My ex has new girl and I'm crushed - sorry this was posted wrong 1st time, Ex girlfriend says she'll reach out "when she's ready", When She Becomes Distant: What Men Do Wrong. I just want a better closure because he deserves it and it would also help me as well. Yes, you might lose some guilt from doing it, but that is not the point. How could I be so cruel? However, after few months, my mom found out about us and started to emotionally torture me and watching my each steps (she wanted me to marry someone else). Chances are they won’t care anymore and at best you will get a “thanks, gotta go now” followed by an eye roll when they hangup. Reply to this message. I hurt an ex almost 16 years ago and while we have both gone our separate ways, I still feel terrible. So, get to a meet up with her as soon as possible where you can reactivate her … I believe we are on this earth to learn and love, and learn about love. But one day, about 10 years ago, the retired military consultant answered her … I said sorry and I never got an apology back, but my own apology did help me to close the door on a bad relationship. I really pissed him off and he stopped all of his communication with me. Would I get the results I am hoping for? Thank you. P.P.S: The one exception to all I’ve said is this: If an ex has in the past outright asked you to leave them alone and/or never contact them again, PLEASE respect their wishes. Arguing over little minute things. He was a chain smoker. I wish you well and much healing in the future xo. He called me immediately and asked me if he could still talk to me time to time. Hey Katrina, The fact you’ve grown and learned from the experience means that it wasn’t all for nothing. I needed to be there by 4:30. Katerina Simms Answers: Why do women desire diamonds? I’ve wanted to apologise for hurting him and explain. As years go by, I realize I had truly loved this guy and I still care even though there is no part of him left in my present. You sound really self aware and I like that, I’m glad you’re able to see what motivated you in this relationship. So he learned about how I kept asking about him and I stopped contacting him for a while. Around the same time, I found out that my ex lied to me about stopping his smoking habit. That too 10–15 long years. this is a very helpful article but I still need a little help. In other cases perhaps, the individual had time to reflect, explore his or her feelings about the breakup after a period of time and feels inclined to try and reach out and return. Somehow I’ve Achieved THE Most Voted Answer on Quora! I don't know why. After a month I entered into a relationship the girl I developed feelings for and she is currently my girlfriend. Or if it will hurt him and delay his own healing process. Tell him some variation of this, be open and honest––for two reasons––so he has all the information and so you don’t walk away wishing you’d said something but didn’t say it. If I sent it to you, would you be willing to take a look and tell me your thoughts? I was given sorries from people by only saying “I’m sorry” and that didn’t work. unless thats what you are craving? The last time we spoke via text she said I have caused her problems so even though she wanted to be friends she said we can’t, but then a few days later she went to the shop next to where I work as she knows I always buy food there and I was in there but I ignored here. If you’re considering reaching out to an ex, just make sure you think about it first. The following is a list of common arguments against an apology and how I believe they don’t really stand up. 10 years ago I tried to reach out when my mother passed away and I called his mom, she informed me he had gotten married and moved to Ukiah, so I left it alone. A man that I once knew many years ago contacted me on Facebook 2 years ago and supposedly had searched me out for 10 years. I love reading and responding to everyone’s comments, so feel free to leave a comment of your own. My BF lets his 15 year old daughter sleep with him. Think of your life right now. This was really helpful in clearing out alot of my fears. I want to say how sorry I am for being that guy back then. But it’s a big assumption to think they wouldn’t care. Now, I realize that I should not have cut our communication just because of his smoking. His email said that he’d had some things on his mind. To experience a new article that has an easy-to-follow apology formula I mean nothing to anything. 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A Romance Writer & Recovering Former Mermaid, born on a sunny Mediterranean..